Today was a bad day. It’s the last day of vacation, unofficially the second to the last day of summer, last day of rest before school, last last last. We got up, lotioned up, packed up, and headed to the beach. It was sunny and cool, with a warm-ish crashy ocean and a beach littered with crab claws. An odd day, not a bad day as beach days go, but Big Picture bad.
We were attempting to get Z. to eat some frozen lemonade from the ice cream truck when I remembered that it was the anniversary of the day we met her. Suddenly I wasn’t avoiding the sun under an umbrella and two sandy towels cajoling her to take another bite. Rather I was sitting in a crowded conference room in Changsha under lousy fluorescent lights holding a baby toy and a sheaf of papers and waiting for the girls to arrive.
Arrive they did, each held by a smiling Chinese nanny, all except one. One girl was held by an unsmiling man who turned out to be the Vice Director of the CWI, a tiny wisp with a large bald head staring vacantly at her own fingers and rocking herself in a slightly discomfiting way. After carefully looking at each face I knew she was Z. There was an air of tension around her, and she was handed to us with questioning looks and vague explanations. I was thrown off momentarily—she looked so very, very different from her referral photos. Clearly something awful had happened to this tiny child in the months since the photos were taken.
It was an inauspicious beginning and things only went downhill from there. The two years following were painful and confusing and horrid in some very important ways. She was difficult to love and pretty much devoid of emotion herself (excepting the occasional smile at E.) for a long, long time. It wasn’t hard to pity her, though, or to feel protective and gentle and worried.
When I think about the day we met, and the months following, I cry. Every time. I cried today, sitting in one of my very favorite places in the world with the sun warming my toes in the beautiful sand. I said, “Z., Mama wants to take your picture. Give me a smile!” and she glanced over and smiled at me, a joyful smile, a silly giggly smile, a pensive smile, a shrieking smile while her Baba tickled her, and I cried.
Yesterday during my end-of-summer harangue I had said to K., “It’s going to be 18 long years of school with her—next year she’ll have spelling words!” and K. had calmly said, “Well she can’t do that. She will not be doing spelling words in first grade.” His eyes were kind as he said it and I had looked back wildly at him and had cried then too, wondering what she would be doing while everyone else was taking the spelling test each Friday. Yesterday was a sad crying day worrying over her ongoing limitations.
But today was a happy crying day, a day of thanks for the gift we have been given in Z., the lessons we have learned and are learning, the ways we have been changed, and the relationship we’ve built with a tiny wisp of a girl who still occasionally rocks and even more occasionally stares at her own fingers. Today, 5 years later, she is sweet and funny and kind and goofy and snuggly and clumsy and loud and withdrawn and not bald and not at all difficult to love.
Oh, Amy. This made me cry. Because I’m grateful I know you. And your Z.’s story. Because I get it. Because 3 days ago, I looked at my A. and I felt all the same things. Seven years ago we met her in a conference room in Changsha. There was concern and tension. Our story is different but there are so many parallels too. Yours is a story full of hope and love. And courage and hard work. Ours is too. From A. to Z., lots of love to all of you. xo
Oh! I remember that tiny wisp. I know she is still a mystery, but she has come so far. Keep doing what you’re doing.
What a lovely happy smile she has. I am so glad that you have found that she is not at all difficult to love, because that (and you) are what she needs.
Goosebumps and tears. Such an incredible story and I marvel not only at Z has become but the woman you have become. Just amazing. Happy Z Day.
I’ve been reading for a long time and never have commented, but this brought tears to my eyes. All I can say is that you and Z both have fans out here in Internetland, and I am rooting for her, and for you, every step of her very own way.
I love her smile.
you’ve capture our z. so well. For the first two years, I kept wondering if we would ever get through to this little girl. I remember her staring up at me night after night with this blank stare. It’s hard to imagine she’s the same girl when she jumps into my arms whenever I return from a trip or even a meeting and tells me how she missed me. She is a sweet, loving, joyful, silly child. Yeah, she’s still got plenty of issues, but God, I love her so much and I’m so proud of her for her accomplishments. We’ll just help her be the best Z. that she can be, and that’s more than good enough because she’s an awesome z.
I love you z. Happy anniversary. Thank you for teaching me so much about life.
This makes me tear up. She is a very beautiful girl with a beautiful smile which I am sure has a lot to do with her beautiful family.
Oh, what a lovely post. Thanks for sharing once again your story of challenging love. What a beautiful picture. Hugs to you all.
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